Confidence: One simple word yet not a simple concept. I get often get asked how I have the confidence to model, to pose nude, to do sex work, etc. My answer isn’t simple, its complex just like me. What adds even more complexity is my depression.
I am getting real here because I like to always be 100% even when its hard. So I suffer from manic depression. I hate the term suffer but not sure how else to say it. Most days are good days because I am on antidepressants and they help IMMENSELY. I have been on some type of anti depressant since I was 16. A long damn time. Depression and anxiety run in my family so I wasn’t really embarrassed to use medication but I wasn’t happy about it either. Honestly I am thankful for the medicine I have had, without it I wouldn’t be living the like I do now.
Fast forward to my 20’s, I wasn’t the confident self assured woman I am today. My biggest advice on gaining confidence is don’t rush things. Growing, maturing, and this learning to love yourself (even that big belly) takes a lot of time. I am about to be 35 and never would my 21 year old self believe I could model and sell images and videos to fans. I have fans?! OMG! Never ever did I think that could happen. At 21 I was a size 14 pant, today I am a 22 pant. Back then I hated my body and thought I was obese. (Thank you society for fucking with my head so much! *Gives middle finger*)
Unfortunately I let boyfriends shape how I felt about myself. Also my family wasn’t exactly body positive in any form. Because of past relationships I have been in I know now its not okay for ANYONE to push their body views onto you. You have ONE body and you own it, NO ONE ELSE. Yes you may share it with someone if you like but that is all up to you. TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOURSELF. Do not let anyone else TELL YOU that you should eat less or change this or that. YOU DECIDE. This is a hard concept because we all constantly having other critiquing us even if they don’t always mean to. Its human nature to look and form an opinion. But that’s all it is-an opinion.
Once I let go of caring what my partners said about my appearance or what my mom said about my pant size I felt so much better about myself. I wore that I wanted and was proud of my body. It didn’t look like anyone else and to me that was wonderful. Once I say “let me freak flag fly” I was getting complimented by men and women often. I strongly encourage women to lift each other up and not bash one another. Sadly we already have so many people bashing us as it is. We need to stick together. Now when I wear a new fancy dress out its always women how compliment me and it makes me so happy! Men are easy to please with sex appeal, but other women noticing you out of a crowd is a big deal. To me that speaks volumes of how you carry yourself.
Back to the C word. I do not have confidence every single day, it is WORK! I have to keep myself happy, stay in a positive mind, and then I exude confidence. Once you have it you will notice more people will be drawn to you because confidence attracts other confidence. Sounds odd but its true. Are you attracted to someone who is negative and a “debbie downer”. NO! Are you attracted to someone who is happy and positive? YES!
Having depression has really fucked up my confidence many times. There are days I just cry and don’t know why. Sometimes I don’t want to leave my house or talk to anyone. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past. This may surprise you but depression is no joke and I hope seeing me be open about mental health will help others talk about it more freely as well. Unfortunately society has put a stigma on it and that needs to end. Thankfully I got medicine when I did and keep up to date with it. Missing 1-2 days really fucks me up, I learned that the hard way. Also, I have a wonderful support system that help me get through bad days.
- Confidence takes years! Live your life, experience new things! Life changes so much and you must embrace it.
- Indulge in self care! BE SELFISH sometimes! Get your nails done, a massage, take a bubble bath, go shopping, go to a fancy restaurant dressed to the 9’s!
- Push yourself to grow
- Don’t expect everyday to be great. We all have shit days. It’s okay!
- Make sure you have supportive people in your life. Ditch the dickheads who say you shouldn’t eat cookies or don’t believe depression is real. (College ex memories)
- BE YOU! Don’t hide yourself even if its scary to be seen
Lastly I ask us all to educate ourselves more on mental health. One of my favorite organizations is Hope For The Day This is a non profit that I came across at Warped Tour a few years back. I love having this group on my social media because it makes me so happy seeing them spread awareness. Go check them out.
As always thank you for reading!